be the help they need

In the few days following the horrific shooting in Newtown, CT there have been so many questions, opinions, and accusations. What happened was unacceptable, no one will argue that, but what is the root of the issue here? I can only speak about what I know, it hits close to home. I believe guns, in the wrong hands, are dangerous. An ignored mental health issue is deadly.

I read an article by a mother today entitled "I am Adam Lanza's mother," and it is a powerful story. She wrote from the heart of a mother dealing with a child who has a mental illness. There were several things she wrote that would so similar our family.

One of the first things that struck me is similar is that she wrote "I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me".  To come to the realization that you fear a child is a hard place to be. They are just a child after all, and chances are they fear themselves just as much as you do. I also feel it is important to point out that she loves him beyond being terrified.

The second thing I picked up on was that her family has a plan for when things go wrong. Most families have fire drills, with very little expectation that they will ever use them. Emergency plans due to mental illness in the home are made because the need has already presented its self.  Creating a plan to keep Ella and Caleb safe when Julia has an episode was not an easy task. Physically  removing themselves is easy. Understanding at age 6 and 7 that when their sister becomes violent, self harming, screaming, and completely out of control that she is just as scared as they are is the hardest part of the safety plan. In the article the siblings of the  mentally ill child without prompting knew to go to the car and lock the door. I am sure that the mother in this will agree, it is heart breaking to have a plan where your children have to shield themselves. For them to do it without a second thought is a hard reality as well.

The next part that I would like address is where the son apologizes, asks to get what was taken away back, and then when it doesn't happen he threatens more violence. This is a daily struggle in our home. Apologies come as a plea to reverse a punishment. When the apology doesn't "work" the repercussions are worse than the original issue.

The other part is where she wrote that "his face turned cold and his eyes well full of calculated rage". Part of a mental illness is how fast a switch can be flipped. Things can be ok, and then... they are not. With our situation it is the same way, things can be great and then with no warning to Julia or us, the rage is there. With our family, and our little one, the rage isn't over until she has completely run out of gas. This could mean 20 minutes or 2 hours. When it is over, her eyes always change back. But I want to make it very clear that knowing your child's face, characteristics, and personality is crucial in dealing with their mental illness correctly. Over the past three years I have learned how to monitor Jules well being, but her eyes are always how I can tell whether we are about to engage in a typical 6 year old meltdown, or a dangerous meltdown of a child affected by her illness.

The next part I would like to address is the paperwork the mother filled out once her son was at the facility. She did it with tear filled eyes. Let me tell you, twice now we have had to fill out that same paperwork, with the same tears. Let me explain something about children based mental health facilities, the beds are always hard to get, and your child does not get clearance to get in with out a reason. It is not a place to send your child so you can have a few days off.

Speaking solely from our experience, a "crisis" team comes out and talks with your child and with you. It takes several hours, then a recommendation is made by this team.  We have had mobile crisis out three times. The first time they suggested Julia be moved to a CBAT level of care we said no. The latter times we had no choice. One of the hardest things for me, as a parent during the mobile crisis visits was listening to Julia speak from her heart and says such dark, scary things. Things no 4-6 year old should even know about, much less express. In the back of my mind most days I live with the thought that maybe I am just over reacting, maybe she really is fine and I am just seeing things that aren't there. Maybe the people who say she is cute and she seems fine, the ones that think she is too young to have such a severe illness, maybe they are all right... it use to be a constant ticker in my brain. But then, when you have to spend day after day going to visit your daughter on a child's mental health floor. After meetings, phone calls, and weeks of observation to sit there and listen to professional after professional tell you, that your fears are not only valid, but might be sugar coated....it is something no parent wants to be right about.

Lastly, I want to address what she wrote about how to get help. It broke my heart because of what she wrote on what she wanted to get out of her sons treatment. "i need help".  Then the reply being that help is there but only when something goes wrong.Something went wrong with Adam Lanza, it's time to stop things before they go wrong. Unfortunately mental health solutions are not black and white. They don't come with one rule book. Every child dealing with a mental illness is different, every parent faces different struggles. Last year was a very hard year for us, mostly because of the lack of support the school system gave. I am not going to point fingers or soap box about what needs to be done in school systems. Parents are the most powerful advocate for a child. You have a voice, work with your school systems, educate together. Parents and teachers are the scaffolding for tomorrows future, the future needs to be one that knows how to handle mental illness, not ignore it.

A child suffering from a peanut allergy does not have a reaction until the nut is in that child's environment. The same rings true for a child dealing with a mental illness. The reaction does not present itself until the trigger enters that child's environment, regardless of what that trigger is. The effect maybe be minimal, parallel to a minor reaction to an allergy... perhaps just a rash. But the effect may also be great, in the same way a nut allergy can be deadly....so can a mental illness in a child. Especially one that goes unaddressed.

Most schools have peanut free classrooms, tables, etc. Every parent respects the severity of that allergy, and work together to send there child to school with no peanuts. It is time we started treating mental illnesses with the same respect. It's time we start working together to make our world respect the severity of mental illness. We don't walk up with a peanut to test the truth behind a parents claim on a peanut allergy. If a parent is brave enough to express concern about their child's mental health, be the help they need.