what on earth is going on?!

Many of you are asking how we are doing. First let me say that we appreciate all the prayers and support! They mean so much to myself, Ben, and the kids. We are so grateful to have such amazing friends and family behind us.

So how are we doing? Well, I guess that depends on your view of life. We are doing ok.

As many of you know, Julia has been at the Italian Home for almost two weeks. This is the same place she was last December. As I am sure many of you have done before, calling 911 for a child is a terrifying ordeal. When you have to call a crisis team in to evaluate a child in your home because they have become so unsafe that you need back up the emotions bounce from being terrified to being completely heart broken. To have your fears confirmed, and your child sits on your lap and calmly explain to professionals what is going on is a feeling that is incomparable to  anything else I have encountered in my parenting career.

Everyday has been riddled with phone calls, meetings, visits, paperwork answering questions and trying desperately to blend into life when we can. Three children are very affected by all of this. My three children. Julia has been playing, going on field trips, she made a birdhouse, watching movies, dancing, doing therapy sessions, and talking through some pain. Ella and Caleb have been going to school, playing, relaxing, and having some peace in their home.

 One of the hardest things during this time is the clear change in how peaceful and easy everything gets when it comes to functioning through the day. There is no screaming, little tension, no refusal to do things...no missing out on things because Julia can't handle it. I don't say this to be mean. I say this because we realize it, it is part of our life, and inside it is just as hard knowing how easy it is. It is heart breaking to see the difference.  What some people do not realize, is that we are not alone. There are so many families out there like us. Julia has an adorable 7 year old room mate right now. Her family is getting a break. I have no doubt that each child in the ITC has a family at home struggling with the same realization, that day to day life is a breeze when you aren't living in constant turmoil.

Next comes what they have seen/found while Jules has been staying. That is where it gets tricky. I have been an open book about everything involving our family for years. I don't want anyone to think we hide anything, or are not proud of who we are. But my children are my world, and I will protect them above all else. No one wants their life plastered on a billboard, or the internet, or part of the daily hen house of moms chirping as they compare notes on what they know of someone. The same is true for my kids. They have a hard enough road. After much thought, I have decided that what is going on really doesn't need a public address. Those who need to know what is going on, are those who are part of the immediate care of my family of 5, yes, we all need care :). But other than that our world is going to become a little more private. 

So as my last address to Julia's state, what they have found is horribly saddening, involves a lot of intense work, and most of our fears have come true. It means that we are a family with a big job ahead of us. We have three children who need to navigate this world in a way best for them, and for society. We have a plan, which involves big changes, small changes, a little fear but a lot of hope and faith. 

As many of you are aware, we have put our house up for sale. Some of you know details, some of you know a few things, many of you are totally blown away by this. Please know we have been given an amazing opportunity to become an even stronger family of 5 than we ever could have imagined. Selling our house isn't easy, right now with showings and home inspections it is one more hump to get over.

So what can you do? We have been asked this a lot. Number one is keep those prayers going! Without faith we would have thrown in the towel a while ago.  What Ella and Caleb need most is to be allowed to be kids. They have missed a great deal or the carefree life that comes with being a kid, part of the new plan is getting them to a place where they can do this. They don't want to talk about life, they don't want to learn something new, they just want to play, get muddy and laugh. If you want to help with Ella and Caleb, get ready to be a kid! For Jules, know that we were on the right track, and that reality is very hard. When you do see her, there is a very good chance she may not be comfortable talking. If she is just standing there, that's ok, if she wants to talk she will:). You don't have to try to engage her, she is happy just to be near people but not feel pressured to give an answer. She has a lot going on right now. The safest thing for Jules, is to learn to be Jules... and I am going to leave it at that. For me... OH MAN, there are so may things! After much thought and consideration I have realized what the hardest thing for me is.... not justifying my world. A good chunk of why I am so forthcoming with personal info is because in my heart I believed "if they could just see what we see, understand what is actually going on, THEN they would stop making it worse, or not believing."  What I have realized is, that is doesn't matter. What I need to do is what is best for her, and what is best for her is for her world to be private and for her mother not to lose her mind soap boxing all the time... so here is it "don't ask me how things are going, or what's new, or how the kids are" Because you and I both know I will tell you! Ask me how Caleb's game went, did Julia draw anything lately, How is Ella's karate coming along... but for the love of God don't ask me how things are going! :) What about Ben? oh that poor poor man. Pray that he survives us all :P  He needs a happy home to come home too. He needs to be able to go out with his friends and know that there isn't a ticking bomb at home because of it. Help the kids and I and you will be helping Ben.

Lastly, we are moving. Yes, yes we are. I realize there is a for sale sign in front of the house. I deal with elephants in the room all the time, but I would prefer not to go into detail on this one. All you need to know is that we are leaving our house, as a family of 5 (with a few extra helpers) and we are going to take some time to be a family. Honestly, there is a lot up in the air. We are all very excited for this new adventure and we love the support we are getting from all of you. That being said... for the next chapter, you are just going to have to wait to read the book :)