It has been a while since I have last written, I was locked out of my account due to having no idea what my password was! I did however feel it was important to write about our next chapter since so many of you have been so supportive and loving to our family...so here it goes.
As many of you know Julia now lives with her grandmother and grandfather (Gramma and Papa). She is doing well as expected. Julia's new school is amazing so far! They have patiently listened to so many of Julia's professionals, to myself, to Su, and have come up with such creative ideas to help Julia's transition! I can not wait to see her class room next week! Julia loves living with her grandparents, playing with Riggs, seeing her family and having some much needed one on one time. I have cherished being able to email, skype, call, and visit with Julia without having her reactive behavior wedge in between our time together. Ella and Caleb love being able to email and visit with Julia and feel safe and secure and genuinely enjoying their time with her. The peace in our home has been clearly evident. These are all positive parts of this transition.
Unfortunately, not every part is positive. With everyone involved, some of our smiles are true, some are just masking tears. Making the decision to transition Julia out of our home too every last bit of courage Ben and I had. I have learned it is not something you can understand until you live through it. Our reasons behind it were not an easy reality. Countless meetings, phones calls, emails between everyone involved took such an emotional toll on us daily. Without going into details, our options of what to do were bleak, long term residency was the first option. For those who don't know what this is, it is a residential place for children who have proved to be a danger to themselves or others to the point of serious concern. These options are not put out there to children with typical behavioral issues, or because parents are not doing the right thing, and not before every other avenue has been tried. Don't get me wrong there are some amazing residential programs out there, and after getting being a part of a community of parents with similar lifestyles, I think there are instances when they are needed. That being said, It was not what was best for my Julia. Su had called me during this time and once again offered to take on Julia. They have offered in the past, but we said no thank you. Jim and Su have been a constant part of our lives for the past 4 years, and the past 7 for Julia. Which is good considering the conversation between Su and myself was more of me just sobbing into the phone that saying anything coherent!
Two days later we were sitting in an office at Julia's CBAT placement. Su, Myself, her clinician, and Elaine (Julia's therapist for the past 4 years, on the phone). We went over details of the severity of the situation, how we could best make this work for Julia and all the paperwork it would require. Then we brought in Jules. I had promised Julia we would come up with a plan on how to keep her safe and that we would still be her family. Julia was excited to see gramma had come to the meeting. We went over the idea with Julia, she loved the idea! She asked questions, she listened, and looked at us with those deep brown eyes...then she was quiet. (For those of you who know Julia REALLY well, quiet is not a common trait she has, so it is taken with seriousness). She looked sad, so I asked her if she wanted a hug, she said yes...she came over, climbed up on my lap and cried, I cried along with her. That feeling of guilt that I had failed her has not lessened a month later, I don't expect it will anytime soon. As we sat there, I promised her I wasn't going anywhere, I was still mom, dad was still dad, she had a brother and sister that loved her very much. I explained we loved her enough to do the hardest thing ever, to live somewhere else because it is what was best for her. I told her I don't expect her to believe me, that it would take time for her to see we were still just there for her for each step of her life. She said goodbye to us and went back to her classroom.
As I drove home the 5 hours it took me to get back, I sat in silence thinking over the past 4 1/2 years. Where we had started, where we had gone, and how far we had come. I spent a good amount of time crying, which didn't help the visibility with the white out conditions I was already driving in. I came across so many memories of triumph and failure, so many times I didn't think the 5 of us were going to make it, and other times I was sure we could have conquered the world that day. The high and lows were incredible, but all I kept coming back to what....what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently, how could I have done more. In the weeks that followed the answers were not any more comforting.
Christmas came and went, due to an unforeseen illness I spent Christmas and New Year's in sober thought and reflection on everything that was going on, everything that went on, and everything that was going to happen. Needless to say emotionally I was a wreck. Everyday brought new revelations, new sadness, new regret. Ella and Caleb in their own way showed me how much of their lives I missed trying to help Jules. I had spent 95% of my time on Julia's appointments, keeping her safe, advocating for her etc....which left 5% of my time for Ella, Caleb, Ben, Myself...and anyone one else still wanted me around. Next was packing up all of her things to bring to New Hampshire. I will just say that is a pain I am not sure I could endure again.
There are still parts of Julia all around the house, which I am slowly finding and packing up. The best I can relate it to is having a parent in your home that you then put into a nursing home. It isn't the end of the world, just the end of the world that you know. Not one day has passed that I don't tear up, that I don't feel like I failed her. I hate that she feels abandon by us, that we couldn't help her find peace, that her "issues" were too big for us. That reality is a dark place to live.
Where does that leave us? With hope. I was raised to believe no matter how dark something can appear, it makes the first flood of light all the more brilliant. I can not change all the mistakes I made, I can't give Ella, Caleb, and Ben back the time I should have over the past 4 years, I can't regain the sanity I surrendered. I have realized however I have only failed them if I give up. Julia's teacher told me Julia mentions her mom, and siblings all the time. In court Jim referred to Ella and Caleb as Julia's siblings. Although there are those out there that don't see it... we are family, Julia sees it, those who love her and know what is best see it...and for that I know we did not fail her. We gave her the family she needs, and will continue to need for the rest of her life. We did what we set out to do. There will always be things I could have done differently, but I didn't. I did what what I thought was best based on all the information I had, and based on my love for my children and my husband. I am a human, an imperfect human...or rather a perfect human, because I think perhaps a perfect human is one that falters and triumphs, accomplishes and fails....but never raises their bar of expectations on themselves beyond what they can achieve.
Through this hope we will build our next chapter. We have many changes coming up, ones we are in the middle of, ones we can't see yet, ones that are going to test us, and ones that are going to be beyond anything we deserve. As we go through this chapter, as we have the past few...we do it with our family of 5 in mind. We do it with the scaffolding of support and love that has gotten us this far, with our faith, our love, and our strength as a unit.
Many of you have asked how you can help. Pray for all of us, all those in Julia's life. Not one of those people has an easy job. Love us all for what we can offer, and realize that we are all doing what is best. Understand that during this transition there will be bumps in the road, and there will be huge strides forward. Laugh with us, cry with us, love with us, and know that from the bottom of our hearts we can not thank you all enough for carrying us through this life we have been blessed to have.
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